just
i don't like not being good at stuff.
i realize that this might not be a rare feeling nor will it be surprising to those who know me well. i just don't do well with incompetence. i always get into this rut when rugby starts up. the long winter months can reek havoc on a rugby player's hands and abilities to run into contact.
dropped balls.
wimpy hits.
sticky cleats (basically tripping on grass...essentially ending up looking clumsy).
thick head (i don't suffer from this as much but i think it depends who you talk to).
big mouth (i talk a lot...apparently watching a copious amount of rugby in the winter makes me think i know a lot about the game).
and an inability to sprint really fast (but i don't think this is a seasonal issue for me).
so every april, rugby players start coming out in numbers to run off the christmas pounds, let their lungs burn, and pretty much look like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. some of course are completely immune to the off-season syndrome. but those people also tend to be the ones that look good regardless of where they are.
i hate not being good at stuff. pre-season always does it for me. in my head i can do all the skills. they look pretty and i think i even may run a bit faster too. but training with the guys is always a very harsh reminder that how i see myself in my head is definitely not how things play out in reality. i know, i know - you would say - it's not fair to compare yourself to the boys...but i'm hard on myself regardless.
it's been a similar experience in taekwondo for me. i started in september 2009. our club has higher belts and very few lower belts so the couple of us who are lower belts consistently work with and spar with the higher belts.
I KNOW! i was only a white belt...i only started in september. in my head i know these things and i don't know how many times it was explained to me that "i was just a white belt - you're doing really good!" but the...'just a white belt' part drove me nuts. the word..."JUST" drives me nuts. it's like a qualifier for not quite being good enough...
it's an excuse word. i'm just this... or i just had to stop here before coming over...or i just thought that...oh, it's just pre-season, we're supposed to be this rusty...it's a gross word. i got my yellow belt and people have started saying..."you're a yellow belt - you're not supposed to be amazing yet". i haven't decided how i feel about that one.
but taekwondo has shown me how hard i am on myself. it's been a long time since i have FELT like i'm struggling with a skill(s). i wasn't a perfect rugby player but i was a good rugby player - i didn't struggle with the skills aspect of it. tkd is very different from anything i've done before. the movements are very specific and you can't cheat. it's not about brute force (atleast most of the time it isn't) and it's very head-gameish. i'm learning a lot about myself and how i encounter challenges in my life. the most recent (atleast this last week) that i learned was that i need to look at tkd as more of singular challenges (apparently the skill is there) rather than steps. my instructor said that i've got this mentality of "i've got to make it to the next level or i have to be perfect all the time in [this] before i can move onto the next step". she said that i need to start looking at my sparring matches, counters, or skills that i may not get right all the time as challenges...singular challenges that don't define the rest of my abilities...and beat those challenges. one at a time. sounds a bit like life.
i have always said that rugby is like life. and not like the t-shirt...but actually like life. the pain and the hurt, the burst through moments, the times when we contemplate cheating...the times when we actually do cheat, the tension between the people that you're supposed to be fighting with - not against and the comraderie and bond that almost always exists between people who go to battle with one another. the attitude of knowing that something is going to hurt and committing to it anyways, sometimes running away, making mistakes and owing up to it - sometimes trying to get away with it...how you can lose perspective when moments get heated, and how good it feels at the end - regardless of the outcome - to have nothing left.
i realize that this has been the ramblings of an aging athlete...i guess that's JUST life.
peace out
bear
i realize that this might not be a rare feeling nor will it be surprising to those who know me well. i just don't do well with incompetence. i always get into this rut when rugby starts up. the long winter months can reek havoc on a rugby player's hands and abilities to run into contact.
dropped balls.
wimpy hits.
sticky cleats (basically tripping on grass...essentially ending up looking clumsy).
thick head (i don't suffer from this as much but i think it depends who you talk to).
big mouth (i talk a lot...apparently watching a copious amount of rugby in the winter makes me think i know a lot about the game).
and an inability to sprint really fast (but i don't think this is a seasonal issue for me).
so every april, rugby players start coming out in numbers to run off the christmas pounds, let their lungs burn, and pretty much look like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. some of course are completely immune to the off-season syndrome. but those people also tend to be the ones that look good regardless of where they are.
i hate not being good at stuff. pre-season always does it for me. in my head i can do all the skills. they look pretty and i think i even may run a bit faster too. but training with the guys is always a very harsh reminder that how i see myself in my head is definitely not how things play out in reality. i know, i know - you would say - it's not fair to compare yourself to the boys...but i'm hard on myself regardless.
it's been a similar experience in taekwondo for me. i started in september 2009. our club has higher belts and very few lower belts so the couple of us who are lower belts consistently work with and spar with the higher belts.
I KNOW! i was only a white belt...i only started in september. in my head i know these things and i don't know how many times it was explained to me that "i was just a white belt - you're doing really good!" but the...'just a white belt' part drove me nuts. the word..."JUST" drives me nuts. it's like a qualifier for not quite being good enough...
it's an excuse word. i'm just this... or i just had to stop here before coming over...or i just thought that...oh, it's just pre-season, we're supposed to be this rusty...it's a gross word. i got my yellow belt and people have started saying..."you're a yellow belt - you're not supposed to be amazing yet". i haven't decided how i feel about that one.
but taekwondo has shown me how hard i am on myself. it's been a long time since i have FELT like i'm struggling with a skill(s). i wasn't a perfect rugby player but i was a good rugby player - i didn't struggle with the skills aspect of it. tkd is very different from anything i've done before. the movements are very specific and you can't cheat. it's not about brute force (atleast most of the time it isn't) and it's very head-gameish. i'm learning a lot about myself and how i encounter challenges in my life. the most recent (atleast this last week) that i learned was that i need to look at tkd as more of singular challenges (apparently the skill is there) rather than steps. my instructor said that i've got this mentality of "i've got to make it to the next level or i have to be perfect all the time in [this] before i can move onto the next step". she said that i need to start looking at my sparring matches, counters, or skills that i may not get right all the time as challenges...singular challenges that don't define the rest of my abilities...and beat those challenges. one at a time. sounds a bit like life.
i have always said that rugby is like life. and not like the t-shirt...but actually like life. the pain and the hurt, the burst through moments, the times when we contemplate cheating...the times when we actually do cheat, the tension between the people that you're supposed to be fighting with - not against and the comraderie and bond that almost always exists between people who go to battle with one another. the attitude of knowing that something is going to hurt and committing to it anyways, sometimes running away, making mistakes and owing up to it - sometimes trying to get away with it...how you can lose perspective when moments get heated, and how good it feels at the end - regardless of the outcome - to have nothing left.
i realize that this has been the ramblings of an aging athlete...i guess that's JUST life.
peace out
bear
"If it is easy to define melody, it is much less easy to distinguish the characteristics that make a melody beautiful. The appraisal of a value is itself subject to appraisal. The only standard we possess in these matters depends on a fineness of culture that presupposes the perfection of taste. Nothing here is absolute except the relative." Igor Stravinsky
ReplyDelete"clean slate" it can be the journey when going some where or searching for that perfect moment that can teach you the most. hope rugby continues to be a reminder of how life could very well be.
love love love love.
ReplyDeleteare you the same anonymous that left me the quote on the last post...hmmmm - so good.
thank you for being a part of my journey.
bear