ramblings from a cluttered mind

i don't know what brings me to this post. it's a little of this and a little of that, i think. this week i had to make selections for my basketball team and there were some girls who were definitely who were not wanting to play because they were having esteem issues or friend issues (were being persuaded not to play because their friends weren't going to make the team) and it was (and still is) hard for me to watch as girl who are perfect as they are and good enough to play on the team get held back because of their friends' selfishness or because they don't believe that they're good enough. So instead of leaving the decision up to me, they pulled themselves and I have already heard from one of them that they are not sure that they have made the right decision. GAH!

that experience is being mixed with one of those times in my life where i find that i'm filled with some unknown kind of turmoil. it's not necessarily bad...but i find myself in moments where i could burst into tears (which for most of you who know me, that is very uncharacteristic) and trust me...i'm not experiencing some cycle that includes hormones. the only thing that i've identified is that i'm dealing with a bit of affirmation/self-esteem problems. i'm feeling like i may not have the right "stuff" for where i'm placed or i don't know enough or ... the list goes on. most of it's crap and i've identified it as that but it doesn't help...inner turmoil ensues. i wrote out some things and i feel like i'm getting past it but after writing in my journal i found my way back to august 21, 2005. an entry that seems to have been written in a similar moment. i read it and i remember the feelings but i also remember the unmistakable presense of God in my life at that time reassuring me and reminding me of His promises. here's some of that entry:

i feel so self-centered and selfish. all of these feelings are overwelming and i feel that i'm at a loss of where to being sorting through what is relevent and what is me, just being stupid. and all i come back to is SELFISH! are these feelings sin? i struggle with needing affirmation. needing to know that i'm doing a good job...needing to know that i'm in the right place or that...that my father here on earth is proud of me. why do i crave his affirmation so much when it is only God's that i should seek? i know that when the world turns its back on me God upholds me but when is "knowing" enough? my own humanity gets in the way...i want to feel...hear affirmation. i know that true rest and peace are found in God but it is the human side that wants to cling to the pain. it's the human side that says that "i'll be fine" or that we can deal with it on our own rather than release it ALL to Him. the world teaches us that being vunerable means to be weak. in our weakness, God EMPOWERS us to do unimaginable things...impossible things. The pain of suffering or the hurt of something lost may not disappear but i can rest in HE who never fails, He who never abandons, He who never forsakes and is our constant who does not change with the world...and LOVES me for who i am because He created me.

i hope some of that makes sense. i also know that those moments are there so that we can sit and remember how present God was in that moment. blinded by the turmoil then, i can identify that know and be at peace about that storm in my life.